You're scared of nothing.

I had another sleep attack last night. I woke up in my brothers room again, gasping for air again, trying to figure things out again, as he's trying to calm me down again. This morning my dad came into my room and asked me about it. "Jonny tells me you had another episode". Episode. That makes them sound pathetic. Actually, they are pathetic. Being scared of nothing? You're a pansy, you're scared to death of nothing.

Anyway, Angel came over today. I restrung her guitar and we told silly jokes and laughed AND even did a little recording. I wish she could have stayed longer, we were SO CLOSE to having the song down we probably could have had a savable main track by tonight. Whatever though, tomorrows another day. Here's the song we were practicing, it'll be an adorably soft duet. For the most part the lyrics are, in the nicest way i know how, telling someone "this isn't going to work". Tell me what you think?

Counting Sheep

summer time was not a lie
but just a feeling that we got
and i know you feel alone, too
but this heat is not for us

i know i wanted to go
into the valley where it snows
but i realized, this place is too cold to live my life

im sorry, sorry i couldnt go
on with these lies while im kissing your nose
i wasn't ready, i should have known
that this would happen
lets stop these words, they're turning cold
lets treat this goodbye like a simple hello
you're still so young, you have room to grow
into something amazing

you'll sleep tight, i know this feels right
but theres something you should understand
when the leaves change, after three days
you wont remember who i am

im not calling you out
its just you sound like her
when you open your mouth
and i cant live with the chance
that this feelings ever coming back
so no, you're not what i need
the words you say
they're the orange in the trees
and i just need to sleep
im so sick of always counting sheep

i've been feeling so ill is this all in my thoughts?
this feeling i get when i want you to rot
for all the things and all the pain you caused
if we see eachother we wont stop and stare
yeah i'd rather you treat me like i wasn't there
i dont hate you, but honey, this still hurts
but i still have the things i've had from the start
this pen in my pocket, this rusted guitar
and the courage to sing this pain away

I know the end seems a bit harsh, but the last stanza is about another person completely. I feel i needed to clarify on the off chance that any self absorbed ex-girlfriends are reading (just kidding, you look nice today, how are you and whatshisface? thats nice. anyway, like i said, go rot).

PS happy new years! What are you guys doing tonight? I canceled my plans because I'm still a bit sick. I'm actually planning on just sitting on my balcony at around midnight and having my own little countdown, awaiting that one moment in time where my normally quite neighbors (drunk with excitement) nervously shout out "HAPPY NEW YEAR" all at different times. It's going to be so awkward, i cant wait.

sometimes when i cant sleep i come up with an illogical hypothesis for everything, giving it a reason and understanding in my head. like how time can be measured by a piece of string and how the knots i tie in the string represent a significant existence. then i see what two knots on the string are closest together and use that to judge compatibility between people. if they're touching, they're soul-mates.

sometimes i spend hours with that piece of string, calling out my name, then yours, seeing how close we fall together. blaming myself if we fall far apart. "it was my fault, i tugged too hard. here, lets try again..."

sometimes i walk up my driveway and lie in the spot where your car use to be parked and think about its pressure on my chest.